Wow, I suck at life.

Perhaps I should take the advice of Audrey's online status.

Knowing is not enough; we must apply.
Willing is not enough; we must do.

Hmmm. . . right.

I mean WTF was I thinking getting myself all excited and worked up? Silly Bridget, fairy tales are for Disney. Security and happiness; two words that do not exist in my vocabulary. I shall work on that. No more being selfish. Sacrifice now, be rewarded when it counts.

Reality bites.

Severely Lacking Organizational Skills

Okay, I know that it has been a while but I have been wicked busy. Not to mention that I have a lot; and I mean a lot on my mind. I just don't know how to organize it all so I can make sense of it, figure things out.

I hate college. I'd like to keep my job. I am not good at waiting. I want this dance to be over. Rawr. It's getting to the point where I can't sleep, which is ridiculous. I woke up this morning at 3am, for example, unable to clear my mind long enough to fall back asleep. I feel like there needs to be some sort of change in my life but don't ask me what that is 'cause I won't be able to pin point it. Perhaps I should stop worrying? Perhaps I should learn a little patience? Ha: patience! that is something I have never had. . . I also think I should seriously be tested for OCD. I have been noticing things more clearly lately, like how much I actually do fixate on things and NEED for them to happen immediately or that I MUST spend x amount of time thinking and planning and well, being OCD. It's not a want, it's a need. I don't think people really understand how much it truly bothers me when they say, "I know what you're getting." Sure I laugh it off like we're playing, but seriously, it kills me inside.

Oh and have I mentioned how amazing Jesse is? he took me to Helzberg Diamonds this week to finalize the engagement ring. And let me tell you, the picture above does it no justice! It's absolutely stunning. Then we went out to dinner. . . . Mmmm. But here's the thing: I still don't know anymore information than I did before. I still don't know if that means that it's coming soon or in a year or more. I still don't know if he's going to do it just the two of us or in front of family and friends. Christmas perhaps? Sure I love knowing that we're getting engaged. But I am extremely fixated over the whole thing. I just don't like not knowing.

Disappointment

Wow, this sucks more than I should let it.
But it always happens like this doesn't it? I need to stop wanting so badly because every time I do it just falls through. I am happy for PeaceJam, grateful for Jen, and proud of myself, but still. I wanted that job so bad. Making the final short list is great but not good enough. I mean, I was counting on that job to make my life better, to be able to start moving in the direction I want to go. Perhaps that's the problem, banking on something that uncertain?

Without this job I'm not sure I know how to move up and on. I'm sick of where I'm at; a college student with a part time job I don't really like and classes I could care less about. Thank God I, at least, have Jesse.

Stress Anyone?

Could life get anymore hectic? The answer is probably. Honestly though, I'd rather not have to think about that. Reinventing PeaceJam mentors for the third year in a row is turning out to be a daunting task since no one seems interested. We are dangerously close to falling into the same traps as Alpha Sigma Phi, and even more dangerously close to ending up like them too. Where did all the people go? We need to redirect and focus on recruitment. I mean, how can you put on spiffy service projects if there aren't people to execute them?

No one showed up to our meeting and no one came to our fundraiser. . .
We've pushed back the date for our Dance for Darfur. . .
Stress anyone?

On top of figuring out PeaceJam Mentors and devoting a ton of time to it I haven't slept in about a week. I hear on the job I applied for today. One minute I think I nailed it and I've got the job. The next, I am thinking, "What was I thinking applying!?" Hopefully, it's good news today.

On a daily basis our kittens turn from cute and cuddly to fuzzy little gremlins. Note to Zoe and Izzy: climbing my curtains is not okay. . . Neither is biting my feet in the middle of the night.

Jesse's sweet. He's been randomly surprising me with fun excursions and/or adventures all week. The Halloween stuff is up at Target and Hobby Lobby so we spent a few evenings there drooling over all the fabulous decorations. Drop in some ColdStone, a marching band, and a road trip to see a house that looks like it belongs in New Orleans and you have one perfect week. This is why I love him. It doesn't matter that I've been wicked busy. It all melts away when I'm with him.

Oh Fortuna!

It's good to know that I am appreciated at work. Finally I can relax a little bit, calm down about finances, and generally worry less and sleep better. No more freaking out at random moments. Life is going to work out. I am applying for the job of a lifetime, my dream job. Coordinator of the Great Lakes PeaceJam here I come. Or not. . . which for the first time is going to be alright. I have a guaranteed position here at my current job if for some reason things with PeaceJam don't work out.

This feels good.

Karma or Fortuna, whichever, thank you.

Suck It Up Buttercup

Why do I always do this to myself, always insist on making things twice as complicated as they need to be? I am being selfish and now it's time to suck it up. No more procrastination! Yeah the evenings with Jesse and the kittens are great but they're not going to continue to be that way if I slack off and don't get this job. The stress levels as a result of it would be just too much. I know myself and I'm doing it again. God that's infuriating! I know better! Something has got to be wrong with me that I keep letting things like this happen. I hate being so incredibly lazy that I just let slip the most important parts of my life outside family and friends.
Things To Do:

Call Kate
Write Cover Letter
Beef Up Resume
Turn in Both
Run

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

I am feeling a little melancholy today. I woke up this morning from having the most wonderful dream: Jesse proposed to me. We had just sat down and had another talk about where we see our relationship going over the next few months and out of his pocket he pulled a little red box. He looked so happy, said he's been carrying it around with him for a week trying to wait for the right moment and that he just couldn't stand it anymore. And unglamorously asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes. It was perfect. Then the ring magically changed in front of my eyes to a different ring, not the one I had picked out. Poor Jesse was all worried and insisted we go and get the right one. . .

Then I woke up.
There he was, sleeping with his arms around my waist, the man of my dreams. What more could I ask for? Not much, really.

But still today there is that slightly disappointed feeling clouding up my head and turning my stomach into knots. I become more aware of it when I read my friend's about me on Facebook and listen to another's plans to attend a wedding this weekend, gets to the point where I look at the ring online Jesse and I picked out a few months ago and had me sized for.

I don't know what to do to speed this up without putting too much pressure on him and our finances. . . .