Christmas Bonus

Merry Christmas from the Haenicke Institute for Global Education! Err, should I say congrats to me on the promotion? That's right, promotion. I am now the International Assistant. Translation: Assistant to the Associate Dean of the Haenicke Institute! No more dealing with angry parents and procrastinating students. No more phone ringing off the hook. Now I get to do real work that is on a whole new level of importance. Dealing with the foreign delegations and the administration of the university is going to be both intimidating and exciting, as well as fun. Hmm, what did Bill say? Oh yes research and itineraries, doing more of what Rena and Billie do. Damn, I am going to like this! I love research! I completed my first task with flying colors and am looking forward to next semester. Mmmm. I have my own cubicle with my own desk and computer, my own office supplies. . . Life is good.

My life is about to become nothing but Christmas. Starting tomorrow Jesse and I will be on the road for four straight days of family Christmas'. Up to Greenville, to Detroit, back to Kalamazoo, then on to Sturgis. Whew! Thank goodness Jesse and I already had our little Christmas complete with Christmas ham, candles, carols, and presents. Funny how Jesse and I both got each other the same thing. ;) (His Dark Materials trilogy) I have gorgeous jewelry to show off, and a magnificent waffle maker. Best of all I have a new claddagh. Oh and I can't wait to decide which pictures to put in the new frames.

Too bad we had to take down the Christmas tree last week. Effing kittens.

Have I mentioned that I love my new job? ;)

Wow, I suck at life.

Perhaps I should take the advice of Audrey's online status.

Knowing is not enough; we must apply.
Willing is not enough; we must do.

Hmmm. . . right.

I mean WTF was I thinking getting myself all excited and worked up? Silly Bridget, fairy tales are for Disney. Security and happiness; two words that do not exist in my vocabulary. I shall work on that. No more being selfish. Sacrifice now, be rewarded when it counts.

Reality bites.

Severely Lacking Organizational Skills

Okay, I know that it has been a while but I have been wicked busy. Not to mention that I have a lot; and I mean a lot on my mind. I just don't know how to organize it all so I can make sense of it, figure things out.

I hate college. I'd like to keep my job. I am not good at waiting. I want this dance to be over. Rawr. It's getting to the point where I can't sleep, which is ridiculous. I woke up this morning at 3am, for example, unable to clear my mind long enough to fall back asleep. I feel like there needs to be some sort of change in my life but don't ask me what that is 'cause I won't be able to pin point it. Perhaps I should stop worrying? Perhaps I should learn a little patience? Ha: patience! that is something I have never had. . . I also think I should seriously be tested for OCD. I have been noticing things more clearly lately, like how much I actually do fixate on things and NEED for them to happen immediately or that I MUST spend x amount of time thinking and planning and well, being OCD. It's not a want, it's a need. I don't think people really understand how much it truly bothers me when they say, "I know what you're getting." Sure I laugh it off like we're playing, but seriously, it kills me inside.

Oh and have I mentioned how amazing Jesse is? he took me to Helzberg Diamonds this week to finalize the engagement ring. And let me tell you, the picture above does it no justice! It's absolutely stunning. Then we went out to dinner. . . . Mmmm. But here's the thing: I still don't know anymore information than I did before. I still don't know if that means that it's coming soon or in a year or more. I still don't know if he's going to do it just the two of us or in front of family and friends. Christmas perhaps? Sure I love knowing that we're getting engaged. But I am extremely fixated over the whole thing. I just don't like not knowing.

Disappointment

Wow, this sucks more than I should let it.
But it always happens like this doesn't it? I need to stop wanting so badly because every time I do it just falls through. I am happy for PeaceJam, grateful for Jen, and proud of myself, but still. I wanted that job so bad. Making the final short list is great but not good enough. I mean, I was counting on that job to make my life better, to be able to start moving in the direction I want to go. Perhaps that's the problem, banking on something that uncertain?

Without this job I'm not sure I know how to move up and on. I'm sick of where I'm at; a college student with a part time job I don't really like and classes I could care less about. Thank God I, at least, have Jesse.

Stress Anyone?

Could life get anymore hectic? The answer is probably. Honestly though, I'd rather not have to think about that. Reinventing PeaceJam mentors for the third year in a row is turning out to be a daunting task since no one seems interested. We are dangerously close to falling into the same traps as Alpha Sigma Phi, and even more dangerously close to ending up like them too. Where did all the people go? We need to redirect and focus on recruitment. I mean, how can you put on spiffy service projects if there aren't people to execute them?

No one showed up to our meeting and no one came to our fundraiser. . .
We've pushed back the date for our Dance for Darfur. . .
Stress anyone?

On top of figuring out PeaceJam Mentors and devoting a ton of time to it I haven't slept in about a week. I hear on the job I applied for today. One minute I think I nailed it and I've got the job. The next, I am thinking, "What was I thinking applying!?" Hopefully, it's good news today.

On a daily basis our kittens turn from cute and cuddly to fuzzy little gremlins. Note to Zoe and Izzy: climbing my curtains is not okay. . . Neither is biting my feet in the middle of the night.

Jesse's sweet. He's been randomly surprising me with fun excursions and/or adventures all week. The Halloween stuff is up at Target and Hobby Lobby so we spent a few evenings there drooling over all the fabulous decorations. Drop in some ColdStone, a marching band, and a road trip to see a house that looks like it belongs in New Orleans and you have one perfect week. This is why I love him. It doesn't matter that I've been wicked busy. It all melts away when I'm with him.

Oh Fortuna!

It's good to know that I am appreciated at work. Finally I can relax a little bit, calm down about finances, and generally worry less and sleep better. No more freaking out at random moments. Life is going to work out. I am applying for the job of a lifetime, my dream job. Coordinator of the Great Lakes PeaceJam here I come. Or not. . . which for the first time is going to be alright. I have a guaranteed position here at my current job if for some reason things with PeaceJam don't work out.

This feels good.

Karma or Fortuna, whichever, thank you.

Suck It Up Buttercup

Why do I always do this to myself, always insist on making things twice as complicated as they need to be? I am being selfish and now it's time to suck it up. No more procrastination! Yeah the evenings with Jesse and the kittens are great but they're not going to continue to be that way if I slack off and don't get this job. The stress levels as a result of it would be just too much. I know myself and I'm doing it again. God that's infuriating! I know better! Something has got to be wrong with me that I keep letting things like this happen. I hate being so incredibly lazy that I just let slip the most important parts of my life outside family and friends.
Things To Do:

Call Kate
Write Cover Letter
Beef Up Resume
Turn in Both
Run

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

I am feeling a little melancholy today. I woke up this morning from having the most wonderful dream: Jesse proposed to me. We had just sat down and had another talk about where we see our relationship going over the next few months and out of his pocket he pulled a little red box. He looked so happy, said he's been carrying it around with him for a week trying to wait for the right moment and that he just couldn't stand it anymore. And unglamorously asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes. It was perfect. Then the ring magically changed in front of my eyes to a different ring, not the one I had picked out. Poor Jesse was all worried and insisted we go and get the right one. . .

Then I woke up.
There he was, sleeping with his arms around my waist, the man of my dreams. What more could I ask for? Not much, really.

But still today there is that slightly disappointed feeling clouding up my head and turning my stomach into knots. I become more aware of it when I read my friend's about me on Facebook and listen to another's plans to attend a wedding this weekend, gets to the point where I look at the ring online Jesse and I picked out a few months ago and had me sized for.

I don't know what to do to speed this up without putting too much pressure on him and our finances. . . .

Playing House

Yesterday, Jesse and I signed the lease and got the keys to our new place! Honestly, it is surprising how the whole situation still feels a bit surreal, even after we spent an entire evening scheming and planning about where things should go. The first thing we did was throw open the curtains, open the windows and stare at each other standing in the middle of the living room with huge blissful smiles on our faces. Then we hugged; hugged like there was no tomorrow and if we let go the world would somehow magically end. God it was an amazing feeling.

After grabbing the initial load of boxes stuffed full of our belongings and setting up the computer Jesse and I started existing together, really existing for the first time. He got a phone call and wandered off into the other room while I continued to check my e-mail. Gone are the days where we have to feel guilty for things like that. Our time isn't limited anymore and I can not even begin to explain how liberating that is.

Our neighbors already must think we're freaks. Here we were residents for not more than an hour and we were prancing around with giant goofy smiles on our faces doing random happy dances in the kitchen, living room, dining room, bedrooms, and anywhere else it pleased us. (We had forgotten the windows were open.) But that's the way it's supposed to be isn't it? You're supposed to be so happy that you forget all else, nothing could possibly have mattered but the two of us and our new home.

Oh Happy Day

I absolutely love when I am surprised by happy news. You know, when you wake up thinking it'll be just another day? A co-worker of mine has been sick a lot lately and I figured that she had caught something like the flu. I was wrong; she's pregnant! Her face just lit up with joy, real and complete joy when she said it, still a little embarrassed by the attention like she's not quite used to hearing it out loud. Mmmm, happiness.

Moving On

I am not quite sure how it is possible for my house to look simultaneously cluttered and empty, but it does. Two days ago I began the overwhelming task of packing my life away in order to move from a three bedroom house with a basement to a two bedroom apartment and honestly, I had no idea one human being could possibly accumulate that much stuff.

While we were packing yesterday, Jesse and I got to talking about how the whole process of moving is actually quite fun. You get to see everything you own, there's excitement about the new place and new places to put and arrange things. But this time it's even more exciting and different. This time I am moving in with the man of my dreams. Finally, after a year of juggling schedules, friends, work, and classes we get to start out lives together. Not that we hadn't already done that but from now on we'll be in the same spot. We're moving into another stage of our lives.

I suppose one of the most exciting aspects of this whole thing is that we are finally out in the world on our own, getting to make our own decisions about our time and how it's handled. And to be perfectly frank, we get to be a little selfish about that. No more "Oh but he's just your boyfriend spend time with me instead." No more guilt trips. From now on Jesse and I are top priority, everything else comes second. Granted, this will take some adjusting to but it's going to be worth it.

Secretly I'm a little bit nervous, but in an excited sort of way, for this next stage. I've always had an independent nature so being on my own isn't an issue. It's the having to share space with another person again with the added pressure of that other person being the love of my life. I just don't want to scare him off. Even though the ring has been picked out and I know that we are madly in love with each other, the ring isn't on my finger yet. If I am truly honest with myself then I must confess that that worries me a little bit, deep down in the crevices of my thoughts. Originally when we first started talking about getting married we had set a tentative time line for our engagement, knowing that despite my liberal tendencies I would be a little uncomfortable not being engaged before we moved in together. And here we are; a week and two days from move in and we still aren't engaged.

That hard part about all of this is that when we move in together we will be married in every way except officially. I love him. I wish money wasn't a factor. . .

Take Me Out to the Ballgame. . .

It truly is amazing to witness the significance on a small town of a simple concept - Baseball. In Sturgis, Michigan baseball isn't just a game; it a way of life, a mantra of sorts. People of all ages on one day of the year converge on Spence Field to eat drink and breathe baseball. To them, nothing else in the world could possibly matter, let alone exist.

Baseball. The word rolls off your tongue, conjuring images in black and white of legendary figures wielding two, three bats at a time. You can almost see the patriotic bunting fluttering in the breeze as the smell of hot dogs overcomes your nostrils and those famous lyrics creep into your thoughts. Baseball, America's past time. Never in my life have I seen such a love for the game as I did in Sturgis one hot summer day in July.

Months of preparations lead up to All Day Baseball. The event boasts six complete games and two home run derbies taking place on two fields with ages spanning from t-ball to grandfathers. Spence Fields are hallowed ground in Sturgis, steeped with tradition and hopes for glory.

Game Three: The Generation Classic is where the anticipation finally ends and the excitement begins, pitting the Old Timers against the athletic and determined Young Guns. Here, it is father against son with nothing to loose but a little dignity. Following, is the by invite only Home Run Derby where the power house sluggers battle it out for an induction into the prestigious All Day Baseball Hall of Fame.

It wasn't until the sun had set and those famed lights over Spence Field had turned on that the the real action everyone in Sturgis has been waiting for began. This time it was brother against brother in an epic battle for the trophy and title of champion. It was Game six: the Night Cap and the crowd that had gathered oozed intensity, forcing the already heavy air to thicken with anticipation, an anticipation that was felt in both dugouts. Who would be crowned champion? Would it be the four year defending champions, the Bad Guys? Or would it be the underdogs, the Good Guys? After coming from behind to win the game by one run, a dynasty was born when the Bad Guys hoisted the All Day baseball trophy for the 5th consecutive year.

I consider myself lucky to have witnessed such a spectacle, something that Sturgis will talk about on their front porches when they are too old to play, the stuff legends are made of; when children will tell tall tales of Jesse Fraim and Joey and Tyler Wood, and someone will say, "Hey I knew them. Remember that day. . ."